Redemption
by JapanCat
Summary: Out in the world again... From the eyes of someone who doesn't deserve your mercy.


Redemption

I'm a sinner. I've committed dozens, hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of sins. More than I can count and more than any normal person would want to admit. They say that sinners should repent for their sins. We assert it and condemn those that don't.

-But we bend the rules for small sins- petty theft, eying someone else's lover, looking at someone who isn't your lover, killing insects and small animals, profanity, threats…

…Some things you can't properly repent for. How do you really atone for murder? How do you justify murder? I was angry. I was scared. I was alone. I had nothing/ I wanted help. Does that justify murder? Murder is murder no matter what and no matter who you are or who they are. Intentions don't matter. That's someone's life and you can't replace a life no matter how you try. Life happens once and then it's over. You can replace a blanket. You can replace your clothes. You can replace a broken vase. You can't replace a person.

I wish life could be replaced. I wish it didn't have to slip out of our hands like time. Life is one of the things lost but never gained.

Those eyes and lives that condemn me… What price do I have to pay to give back what I owe them? If I take my own life, would that make it level? Death is the place where we get our final judgment- the weighing of the heart. Death is the only true and fiar way to judge someone. If that's what it takes, would I do it? Should I do it? I can't walk up to their doors and beg for forgiveness. That's so ignorant. I don't deserve their forgiveness anyway.

-They say that those who need mercy the most don't deserve it.

…

Even after all this time, I'm still feared. Those who lived in my territory don't cringe when they see me on the street. It's more of a reaction based on a double take. But I have seen mothers turn their children away from me. They claim it's so their children don't learn to talk to strangers. Or that they don't want them to burden me. I noticed that it's mostly their daughters they turn away from me…

That's right. I'm a whore. Built inside I'm everything a whore should be. They could probably tell that that's what I was born to be. I already have that tramp look on me. A woman a bit too shapely, too perfect in some aspects, a bit too over the top in attractiveness, I've once been told. And scarred up- just like your street whores, except I don't try and cover them up. No doubt it's been speculated how I got this way. Hell, I bet they smell the pheromones hovering off me. And I've murdered so many… Taken so many lives, I'm everything they don't want their daughter to be. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want me to be my daughter.

Those who approach me, I noticed, position themselves to my left so they don't see the scarred side of my face. I'm sure they like to think that they want to see the unscarred side to see my expressions I make. But it's just vanity. It's too strange. We only like anomalies when they aren't too strange. It's an oxymoron.

I don't consider myself particularly beautiful. I don't see the point. I never want to impress anyone so I don't worry about it. Beauty only brings lust and lust is a feeling based on primeval desire. I've had enough of lust and seen enough to last a lifetime. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with sex. There's a saying I've heard- Sex is not a ham sandwich.

…

I'm a cautionary tale. You teach your children to never become me. If they ever become anything like me, they would cry and they'd probably kill themselves. Parents probably pray that their children never become me.

I squandered my youth on my anger. It was always just me and my anger, not much else. I've always been alone. It doesn't hurt until you realize that there are no other options. They say loneliness brings madness. I wish I were insane. Sometimes I wish I were in an asylum somewhere so it wouldn't hurt so much.

I don't know what I want and I don't know what I mean.

Don't me like me.

…

I don't think I ever felt anything before. I think it was all anger and fear. That's not anything real. Now I'm realizing that after so many years of being full of hatred. I haven't felt anything in a long time and now I'm paying the price. I go to bed and I see the faces of those that I've killed. It's almost like some sort of cosmic intervention telling me that I can never forget. Just because I was the heartless bitch that I was.

If I were desperate, I would take pills. If I were worthless, I would drink myself until I forget. But this is something I can never escape. I can't just walk this off. What's done is done and no matter how hard I try, I can never escape it.

This isn't a society of forgiveness. And I should have known that.

There's so much good in the world and I never contributed to it. If I touched that goodness, I would defile it. What purity I touch, I defile it. It's too bright. I have to live in the shadows, I should have known.

I just can't find a place in this world until I know what I give to pay my debts…

…

_And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies  
And all the lovers with no time for me.  
And all of the mothers raise their babies  
To stay away from me._

_And pray they don't grow up to be me._

-Fallout Boy ("Golden")

.-.-.

Notes:

Influenced by "Golden" and to some extent "Seven Minutes in Heaven" by Fallout Boy.

The part about people positioning themselves… My Stage Makeup Professor talked about how her friend was a thelmite baby, meaning that she had a birth defect. Because of that, one side of her body was significantly smaller than the other. Like her right arm (I think) was cut off at the elbow and there was her hand. The friend was a nude model and she noticed the artists would position themselves so they would see the "normal side." My professor put scars on her using makeup and they noticed that they didn't draw the scars.

This is shit because I didn't put effort into it. It's just a rehash of everything I write anyway. Fuck it.


End file.
